Jesus take the wheel

Thanks jeremy. For telling me of this song-Jesus take the wheel.

How can this song totally reflects on my life..I totally brokedown right in front of the comp. I cried and cried so much. I cant do this all my own. I really cant. my tears just cant stop. I think of Shayenne,my heart aches even further.

Shayenne: Mummy is really really very very sorry to you. Mummy failed. Mummy failed utterly this time. Mummy should have given you away to someone else who would give you a perfect family and cherish you. Not jus some 21 year old Mummy who is so screwed up and lost now. You don;t have to suffer at all. Mummy is so screwed up. Mummy doesn't have the courage and strength to carry on from here.

I wondered how I got past today. Cant believe I broke down and cried in class while the leacture was lecturing. Tried so hard to control myself in the train untill I got home and saw Shayenne standing at the house gate. She was so happy that I came home and keep waving to me and say Hi~ How sweet and heart aching that scene can be. I cried on the spot knowing she's gonna lose either a daddy or mummy. So heart wrenching.

I had no motive of condemning jor or trying to say how bad he is. It was the past. It was those that I am still surviving now learning how to brace myself up and making the correct decision. it can be so irony that love is blind. love kills too...

For the next one hundred times you ask me. Am i okay? I am not.

AWESOME!

Thanks to you Jordan, for giving a chance to club!

Met adel at hougang and took a cab down to clarke quay, made a little star UV temp tatoo on the shoulder and Adel had a butterfly on her chest! pretty :))

Met up with her friends 1 girl, 3 guys to REBEL. had two cups of Vodka mixture and got high alr!! we danced and danced and danced.. felt so WHOOoo! never in my life had i danced like this before. really danced. kinda got many weird guys coming to do weird stuff. but we had so much fun and laughter! WEIRD people..

got home at 5. and my feet is breaking! never gonna wear heels to club anymore. ZOUK next friday! awesome :)))

hit the club and forget your troubles. im lovin such life.

hurray :) Language and Literacy Module is finally over. So is the big book and the dramatisation. met a friend for dinner at marina sq after lesson. Thanks for your dinner :) but no thanks for your replies in the train. you made me cried.

next next saturday lesson have been postpone to tmr night. arghs, have to cancel my tuition session at Lizbox tutorial. See, now become bad teacher cancel lesson. will be going to raffles place 3 days in a row. damn tiring. hate to squeeze with all those uncles and those bangala. damn pervetic. saw one of them peeping into an indian girl's top while she was reading her book. i stared at that bangala, keep staring at him until he look back and stare at me. beat you up to pulps!

Woke up at 3.30pm today. Think i'm gonna sleep very very late again. Watch my HZGG! :))

hoHoho

sat at the table for 4 whole hours completing the big book for assignment tmr. "The bear and the three hares." my art is quite good i must say :)) Uhu glue all over..

People just aim to get a pass or an A. I aim to get a A with a PLUS. A+
A+ or not at all. same with my life.

你是風兒我是沙

風也飄飄,沙也飄飄

風兒吹吹,沙兒飞飞

風兒飞过天山去

沙兒跟过天山去

how beautiful are these few sentences. but hard to find

dont say you love me, you dont even know me

WHAT THE FFFFFFF*****

ok.i'm reallyyyyy okay! :)) too okay in fact. just cant wait to join the police force now. urghh... getting a degree seems sooo far away! i don't care!

assignments are killing me.till i can't breathe!!! and i still have time to watch my Huan Zhu GeGe!

J.L: I must have spend too much time daydreaming and the reality became a nightmare! big time liar, you succeed into making me hate you. feel happy about it alright. very very happy ya. it's no difference from throwing me down from the 7th floor blk 104! You could have just bloody hell tell it in my face. blah blah blah.

I AM FINE. I AM REALLY OKAY!

im not ok

im not okay. even though i have to be..pretend to be, force myself to be...

went for tuition in the morning yst, had a little not feeling well..the kids from Pr3 are..wtf..so unruly and ah beng. strained my throat so much. 3 classes in a row. really cannot tahan after that. almost fainted in class.

felt so lost after class, din noe where to go. took a bus back to serangoon's clinic to see doctor. having a throat infection. viral infection. went to aunt anna house to look for kiara after that. and baby xandon was so cute! and thanks xander for your lovely kiss! haha. spoke to aunt anna. and felt...hmm...i've made my decision.

was around 8 when i felt i couldnt hold on much longer. i need to rest badly. took a cab back to punggol. my throat was killing me. cant breathe, cant speak, cant swallow saliva. everything pain. didnt eat anything the whole day. everything is just suffocating me so much. had no appetite either. i jus wanted to sleep. woke up at 1am, realise i had high fever. felt like fainting alr. it was really bad last night. lied on my bed and brokedown. i felt so helpless and useless. everything and anything.

Shayenne is still at serangoon. how.

pissed

went marina sq for the Home Team Career fair this afternoon with jeremy and jeffery. and confirmed private institute diploma are not accepted.

spoke with a inspector who took 15 years to climb from coporal to inspector. with degree, cao cao go in inspector alr.

so, now, gonna apply for degree in early childhood and management at SIM. then join police as a senior police officer! whoohoo!! 9 months of residential training. plus 3 weeks of overseas training. woots!

i have set my career goal! yes! DSP WONG here i come!!!

shouldn't have agreed to do relief teaching for tmr!! siao. 3 classes in a roll. then got to rush to raffles place for my dpt class. preparing the children's worksheet now. and of all time, Shayenne has to poo poo now!!! don't need sleep alr.

glimpse of hope!

I SEE A GLIMPSE OF HOPE FOR MY FUTURE!!

finally back home! went to borrow Huan Zhu Ge Ge vcd from jeffery. and thks for making me wait for so long under your block! gonna chiong all the episode.

HURRAY! got As for both my group assignment! so so happy. AND! gonna make a big move for my career and future! im gonna further studies! am really despo to get a good education.

path one- take my Diploma and go Ngee Ann poly for advanced diploma
path two-take my diploma and go SIM for degree.

whhoohooss!! uber excited about further my studies now! wad my mum said is right, im like a hungry hungry person for food. and having to further my studies is my food! im so gonna treasure my second chance again! i've most likely settled for path two. take a degree!! hurrays!! there is still hope for me!! yeah yeah yeah~~~

but....i dunno how dear is going to react after hearing this. sure kena pour cold water. "WHAT! STUDY AGAIN!" "I ALSO GOT NO CHANCE TO STUDY"

but anyway, my mind is set on a degree. then join police force! at least when i grow old kena kick out by police. i still have a back up degree for my career. :)))

是我想太多 我也這樣說

so full now...jus came home from supper with yvonne at Serangoon Gardens.. stupid. the indian man cheat our money! we ordered two naan with a few pieces of pathetiq tandoori chicken, ice milo, ice teh. total bill $18! siao. only when we came back home and calculate then realise stupid kena cheated. see us young girls nice to bully #%$&*($%^#$$

Adel was suppose to meet us for supper after 12am, but she's still working :( will meet up another. von ah, must meet up more! :)))

YIPPIE! finally called the Babies by the Park today with Ms Amber(the supervisor) and decided i'll start my practicum on 1st Feb! hurray. thats because to accomodate Shayenne. The toddler teacher will only be coming in on 1st Feb, thats why in order to work and accomodate Shayenne have to start in Feb. Which means i have only 1 month to clog my 200 hours = have to work full time :(

back to class today. bombard by so many going-to-be-dued-assignments! 2 on hand and plus i haven even started my practicum blah blah blah...rmb to call me wake up early tmr to do marketing. no more fish and vegetables alr...

gonna get myself a good eyeliner and body mist from the body shop tmr!

went for mum in law's father brother's son wedding at Grand Copthorne Waterfront today. Seems just like yst when we both use to work there at that exact same ballroom doing the banquet!! haha, and i rmbed you telling me while working- the 100th wedding will be ours. viewed the couples wedding footage. "NOBODY NOBODY BUT YOU!"

fantasizing my own ideal wedding. I would love to have my wedding dinner at C.H.I.J.M.E.S. and the wedding march in would be live, playing on piano-Canon In D :) there are so many many nice love songs to choose from! haha, wait till got money get married then say.

yeahs~anw classes are starting tmr. love travelling to raffles place, watching all the ppl walk by. maybe stay at home too long..even travelling to classes also happy :)) hehe. meeting up with Von and Adel tmr after class!!! yeah! double happiness. gonna chill out at Chomp Chomp there. probably get a drink and girls talk :)) can eat my prata at chomp chomp too. triple happiness! life is actually so simple, but sometimes we just tend to complicate it. playing mind games all the time. when will i ever be happy with my life :(

It's not easy to be me

he's back to camp again! will be so peaceful from now all the way till FRIDAY!! hahaaaahaa :))) damn bad of me to feel this way.

have been thinking and thinking the whole night till 7am this morning. and i've come to a conclusion that I WANNA JOIN POLICE!

to you: SO WHAT you think the salary low, benefit low, sit at NPC do bo lan duty. SO WHAT if i have to do shift work and you still got the cheek to tell me "then baby who take care, then you wont have time for Shayenne!" when you were the one coming home to be KING. and leaving me doing everything and taking care of SHayenne when you jus rot in front of your comp! don't say changing her diaper, you cant even make ONE time milk for her, wash ONE time milk bottle for her, feed her lunch or dinner. You cant even wash your own cup and hang up your own shorts. always looking for your slave to do everything for you. jus because you're the sole breadwinner for this family and IT"S MY RESPONSIBILTY. it's my responsibility to lower my pride and status in this house to fufil your so called "responsibility". ya?

i cant even have a say in my career. everything is YOU THINK you think.the grass is always greener on the other side. you ask me to join air force. i dont even have any interest or passion for anything in air force. join for the pay and benefits??? thats what you want. YOU want. you and your wants. you are always so domineering. you want to be powerful in this house. you know you can get your way in everything you want because im good to bully and easily give in. thats how we landed up with the 2 and Shayenne. You jus cant get anything into your thick skulled brain. its your character. i had enough. :(

>>>>>>>>>>>>


but anyway! jus ranting my thoughts. tough time dont last, tough man do. Only he who can eat the bitter of the bitter. Can become the man above the men. yes! so thankful that i still have Kiara to have our mummies talk and wife talk! listening to superman now :)) it' not easy to be me...wish that i could cry, fall upon my knees.

trying so hard to be away from you.

can you see how tired i am?

can you see how tired i am?

haven't been sleeping well these past few days. everything and anything else is draining my energy off. where should i continue from here. take a step forward or miss the chance to be free and remain stagnant forever.

teacher or police officer? "when i grow up, i want to be a policeman!" so i must work hard now to secure my diploma and join the police force :)) speaking of this, night classes are starting next tuesday..good for me too..at least i can get out of the house to breathe. at least for the 3 hours.

had my Phonics tuition class yst. They told me to take the relief teaching for next Sat. Pri 1,2 and 3 English. all the way from 10am to 3pm. fuck care, jus chiong. got money to take, got things to keep me pre occupied, why not!

more or less, we've lose everything.

it's not easy forgetting someone. saying "forget" but knowing it's hard to do so...how many times can we restart our life and CTRL Z our life.

you taught me how to love, but you didn't taught me how to let go.

WTF!!!!

2010

ages since i last blogged!! and its year 2010 alr! no any specific emotions or feeling or new year resolutions. It's just the changing of date from dec-jan and 2009-2010. days are still the same!! any diff if it was 2010??

spent the new year counting down at marina. love the fireworks :)) my practicum is coming.. seriuosly i have lost so much weight over the past few months. stress and more stress..even had nightmares of doing practicum. life was never easy. who said so. ahhh..at least food still gives me the energy and strength to look forward to life. slurps!!~

will be having my practicum at Babies By the Park. and where the hell is that. 200 hours, fucking many things to do. a total killer.

Shayenne's now a big big girl, though still cries every now and then. She knows how to say many words alr. but jus dun wanna open her mouth. will take it naturally, when its time for her to speak, she will :) good at throwing tantrums now. best at dropping down on the floor to cry LOUDLY for attention and to get what she wants. starting to throw objects n stools on the floor. bad behavior huh girl. shall apply teachniques i learnt from my diploma!! haha.

the future has it's uncertainty